Have You Got The Balls To Call It A Day?

by Lesley

Let’s face it, it takes guts to walk away from a relationship – and not everyone feels confident enough to do it, even when they know they should.

Break-ups happen for lots of reasons but fundamentally it comes down to one or both partners being unhappy with the status quo and if  only one of those is having a growth spurt, the other feels left behind.

This is where it gets tricky for some; they might genuinely not want to hurt the other half, but their need to move on will outdo the need to stay. Sometimes, rather than face up to what’s happening, one will become less caring, less thoughtful and more selfish, while the other senses the change.

Conflicts arise and soon, what could’ve resulted in a beautiful friendship after the intimacy comes to an end, finishes in tatters and tears.

What’s probably worse for either party is to be abused in some way or cheated upon; trust is rarely regained, hurt, disillusionment and anger take over.

Then there’s the fear of actually breaking up – separating and distancing yourself from each other; removing yourself from their arena and beginning ‘life’ all over again as a single person.

Usually this means also sharing what you’ve accrued between you in goods and if you’ve been living together, deciding who takes what can be a painful process, especially if children are involved. Then there’s the financial side of things; we’d all like to think that we’d be treated fairly – but it doesn’t always happen!

I don’t know how it is for fellas but as a woman in a co-habiting situation where there was no marriage, I had very little entitlement to what was rightfully mine; instead fought tooth and nail just to keep myself sane during an elongated period of sustained cruelty; that was my punishment for leaving.

There were children to be considered too; but only one of us ensured they were well cared for. The other pursued financial ruination, family disloyalties – even extortion. Lawyers and courts didn’t manage to fix it either – the odds were stacked against the female with two kids, who had refused to marry a bully.

If I’d been wed to the guy I’d have had more rights. Well he-llo! What difference does a wedding ring make?

At the time it would’ve meant receiving half of what we owned – jointly, enabling me to maintain a reasonable standard of living with less stress for our children.

Things may have changed since then – that was fourteen years ago – but I know it’s still difficult in 2012 for the parent with children, after a relationship split. They’re the care-givers – the ones who maybe don’t have child-care available or accessible to them, so finding a job becomes doubly difficult, therefore making ends meet can be nigh-on impossible.

Re-locating or moving back to parents isn’t easy for anyone after being in charge of your own home, your own life. Adapting to how things run in someone else’s house can be trying and very stressful.

Being alone can be hugely daunting for some people too; cooking for one – nobody to share the day’s trials and tribulations with seems a scary place, unless where you came from was even more scary. Emotional, mental, sexual or physical abuse can take years to overcome and you may need the help of other agencies to help get you through.

(There’s Women’s Aid in the UK to help women and Men’s Aid have a Facebook page to help guys until their website is complete.)

Then there’s the loss to deal with. The loss of a friend, a confidante, a lover. You’re dealing with a death, the death of a relationship. There’s grief attached to nearly every ending, even when the middle wasn’t so good.

Suddenly it’s all change – so it’s understandable that fear plays a big part in people staying together and in splitting up…

So some deny their desire to be free; the fear of moving on outweighs the fear of staying put. Leaving a less than happy situation is not an option – that is, until the desire for freedom takes over a loveless, monotonous or abusive relationship.

It only takes one to make the move towards a more peaceful or exciting future, depending on how you view it; the world awaits happy, smiling faces – faces of people truly on their path to a contented and fulfilling life – people who value themselves and their well-being above the dreary existence they’ve been living.

Making the decision to leave is the hard part but once the intention is set, the rest will fall into place. Confidence comes with reclaiming our personal power;  knowing when we’re making the right decisions and using it to create a better, more suitable environment for our greater good. Trust yourself.

Maintaining that confidence will come from looking after the ‘self'; caring for the wounded parts and re-building a life around your deepest desires and dreams. Nothing can stop you but you.

It only takes one small step to walk away, to face the fear head on and say,

‘I’m worth it’.

 

About Lesley

Lesley Rodgers has written 146 posts on this blog.

Personal Development Consultant and Confidence Coach. Lesley is also a committed Human Rights Activist with her heart firmly lodged in 'community' and collaboration.

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