Gentle slumbers and simmering emotions led me to working through the day after the Ayahuasca journey in a dream-like fashion – fully conscious of where I was; at home, safe and secure but with random nudges taking me to the edge of tearfulness…
I’m not one known for denial but we humans are so clever, we sometimes even manage to disguise it so well we ourselves don’t recognise denial until we’re forced.
Memories from the night before’s ritual were still very clear – right down to remembering thoughts, visualisations and sounds. I was having strange but very soothing ‘flashbacks’ reminding me that it was time to ‘let go’ – and that it was ‘safe’ for me to do so.
I remembered that in the early part of the day of the Ayahuasca ceremony I had felt quite emotional, my thoughts alerting me to set my intent for the journey; to discover ‘what lies beneath’ enabling me to become more fully me.
I had intended that I shed that which no longer served me.
I also had a phrase pop into my head a few times but I dismissed it fairly quickly, giving it no space to grow.
By late afternoon the day after our ritual, I had really tapped into my inner Shiva – the Destroyer was hard at work… but in the most positive way I could imagine! It’s said that spirit plants guide you to see the webs we weave; webs to ‘self-protect’, to shield us from further pain or harm. The Madrecita is also known to be kind to those who come to her in faith. She was certainly taking me by the hand; I felt extremely well cared for.
There really wasn’t anything random about my thoughts; I was entirely calm and felt in balance, even if a bit tearful – there was no pain, not in the way I’d experienced it before.
For those of you who’ve read The Washing Machine Analogy, you’ll know where I’m coming from – those traumas I’d faced had little power over me, but still there was residue. And it was coming to the surface.
Without warning I’d find myself allowing tears to roll down my face – outwardly and inwardly calm – just releasing – but not really wanting to go any deeper into it – aware that I was a little afraid of what might make an appearance; all the while hoping that this letting-go might just be enough…
But then, I was kidding myself again, wasn’t I?
I thought that by sitting quietly and becoming absorbed in a movie I could divert my attention away from the gnawing sensations; the wee niggling tugs at the issue I was struggling to keep hidden, as much from myself as anyone else.
But I picked the wrong movie!
Thinking I could just chill-out to an old film that I’d seen many times before only served to bring the oldest, most difficult shit into my conscious awareness. The movie had little to do with my ‘stuff’ but it did have a number of memories attached to it…
As it ended I removed myself to the kitchen and ran water from the taps at full pelt to cover my sobbing; holding onto the sink for support and again thinking I could hide myself away from the depths of my own grief.
Another movie began in my mind’s eye but before I became engrossed I dusted myself down, put the kettle on and made tea – re-entering the living room a little red-eyed but managing my state fairly well, as I thought – momentarily.
As I sat down it all came flooding back – the movie which was playing was the events of my life; the mistakes, the turning points, the grief and despair. Past events flickered into and out of my awareness – people’s faces, a line in a conversation, certain places; one thing triggering another.
Suddenly I was completely broken – unable to speak, instead racked with deep, heart-wrenching sobs which shook my entire body. I wasn’t crying like a baby; I was having the full-on hysteria of a fully grown adult.
I was ‘fully feeling’ to enable me to let go – all the hurts, disappointments and ultimately, although I resisted admitting it – a broken heart.
I was in good hands; my dearest (and one of my closest friends who’d shared the night before’s ceremony) was still with me, respecting my needs and inability to speak – also in part understanding that I was going through a process; one which he couldn’t comprehend, even if he tried.
He allowed me to be – even tho’ that being was broken.
I was exhausted! I’d spent every last drop of my energy becoming attached to my movie; my body was weak and my mind had gone blank… no credits, no list of locations, no nothing – just blank.
I was reminded of an anger management technique I was put through during my Transformational Leadership Course when I was learning to teach firewalking; suffice to say I was heard throughout the building – finally pushed to my limits by the instructor who attended the scene having heard the commotion.
Feeling it fully is a method I regularly employ in training sessions but I thought I’d previously completed the work that I’d needed to; I realised there and then that the actual completion of my task was almost over, thanks to the workings of Ayahuasca. This explained my lack of energy to do simple tasks – I was truly exhausted, with nothing left to give.
I just needed to sleep.
And sleep I did – for approximately eleven hours straight! I awoke the next morning feeling refreshed and about a stone lighter, aware that something massive had shifted from my shoulders and relishing the fact that I had my belly back – having removed a tight band which had become sited across my chest area for many years.
I was able to breathe freely, without the restriction of my ‘bando’ or belt; it had dissipated and I could clearly ‘see’ that’s what had been physically holding my ‘shit’ together; so tightly bound that it ‘protected’ my heart – when in fact it probably did the opposite – keeping my issue locked away but still unresolved.
I felt completely liberated.
I was also filled with gratitude. A space had been created where before there had been only dull pain and suffering. All around me I saw beauty; in people, in blades of grass, in a flickering flame or a raindrop.
I was in sheer bliss. I realised I have everything that I need and avowed to maintain my original intention and continue on my mission to help others realise their full human potential.
I became utterly convinced too that the fluids which the ayahuasca removed from me were drawn from the cellular level – removing toxic and potentially poisonous energy from deep my body; and once it’s gone, it’s gone.
I had learned to love my shit – the metaphor for which is the bucket – even more lovingly known in Aya circles as a ‘booh-kay’. It represented all that was redundant in my life – leaving me with the certainty that those life-lessons have served their purpose.
Since that weekend, which I’ve come to think of as a personal Rite of Passage, the journey continues; every day I am reminded of something I learned or am now more open to. Life has most definitely become more interesting!
And although ayahuasca is not a weekend pastime, I know that at some point I’ll be ready to meet with the Madrecita again.
In every moment I am becoming – a raindrop, the breeze, the fire.