Moving on; I’m not going to say it was easy, sometimes it was extremely difficult – two children relied upon me and I was responsible for their safety and well-being.
Starting over after an abusive relationship is one of the most difficult tasks I’ve undertaken to date – and that includes walking 20 feet of burning coals!
Full of determination and a will to succeed, I set about finding new skills and focused on what my limited and valuable time could be spent on, outwith my parental responsibilities. I took up psychology when I went to sign up for a computing course (I’ve never done one yet!) and continued with my own development, mindfully experiencing as much as I could every day.
I went back to college and did what I’d been forbidden to do while in the relationship because it was ‘too intimate’. I studied Holistic Therapies – massage, aromatherapy, reflexology and added my own eastern learnings.
In the early days I was soon met with the major obstacles every single parent faces; childcare, expenses/ cash flow problems, finding time to study and being there for the kids – but I battled on. Hard as it was, I enjoyed many aspects of it; my freedom to learn, to find myself and to be me, achieving in my own right.
As a woman I faced different things; dealing with male lawyers, male doctors (even the gynecologist was male!), male bank managers and male everything else! I really began to see and feel what discrimination was as I was dismissed on a number of occasions.
I became even more determined to put a stop to this kind of treatment towards women.
I realised I first had to change things about myself before I set about changing the world; I had every intention of doing so – and still have.
I was already ‘empowered’ by what I was achieving, I was becoming more confident as a person; I had great coping skills – now I had to balance my Aries energy with knowledge and practice.
I firmly believe we affect everything we interact with so it’s important to me, that I tread gently; leaving as little an imprint as possible, BUT we must pass on our knowledge – open the doors of communication and put a stop to every violence against women – including that which has been perpetuated by the state.
By not fully committing to equal pay and equal rights for women the UK government has helped to instil some kind of warped illusion that we are of lower standing; yet they fear the power of ONE voice – the voice of women who say ‘Enough! No more will we accept second class citizenry, nor abusive behaviour at any level.’
The ‘system’ is still in the dark ages because it has chosen to be.
Raising awareness of the obstacles women face is a task we should be undertaking with a passion; the welfare of women means much more than simply her security – we are reaching into the next generation by affecting what happens now; reducing poverty and increasing standards of living for those who should not be affected by domestic, or any other abuse – children.
We have the ability to improve lives immediately; it just takes a shift in focus and the desire to do it.
There is no need for austerity as we’re seeing it at this moment in time; there’s enough wealth to feed the world many times over – it’s just being circulated in the way it always has been – to protect the rich and privileged by causing fear and famine in faraway lands – always turning the wheels of the war machine.
That system has taught us to recognise and fear difference; to work in competition and to alienate us from each other. Many never even bother to question the reasons behind it, blindly following the ‘patriotic’ or chauvinistic views held by generations before.
We can change that by ourselves but we need the WILL to do it.
We must unite by identifying where the problems actually lie, stick together and work for a better future for our kids and grandchildren. Women are changing the world, this time in the fourth or fifth wave of Feminism; we’re all in it together; uniting with a common cause the length and breadth – and in every corner of the world.
But here’s another thought; instead of One Billion Rising, let’s make it 7 Billion Rising – ensure every man, woman and child knows that oppressing or abusing women (and indeed any other being) is unacceptable. Violence against women will only end when we shine a light upon it, exposing it and appeal to the feminine in all of us; the nurturing, healing, caring and compassionate, that which exists within us as human beings.
Each of us has been disenchanted by the system at some point; each of us believes there’s something unfair going on. Each of us (mostly) want the best for ourselves and our neighbourhood and will willingly help another if they can – supporting, encouraging and empowering others. That’s where the fun and feelings of contentment lie.
That means that we ALL – male, female and trans-gendered, need to be in touch with the nurturer within; the one who nourishes and encourages, who loves and cares to the fullest extent.
It’s not about whether you fit one or other category, it’s about how we treat each other.
This also means that we discourage violence, discrimination and inequality. We stand together as one; united in our passion to create a better world.
Help yourself and in turn, you will help others move on.
8 Steps in The Art of Moving On
- Make the decision and everything else will follow. Trust the process.
- Strengthen your support; hang out with people who understand your situation, learn to let go and believe you have worth.
- Seek help; Women’s Aid, friends and family for support. Learn how and which practical tips will keep you safe.
- Break the Silence – every abuser FEARS exposure and public humiliation.
- Build yourself up – use every day to learn something new, apply yourself fully to priority tasks, add to your skills-base; learn how to cope, rest… and breathe confidence into your life.
- Cut the ties that bind;break the chains that initially bound you to this toxic partnership or you’ll quite possibly return to it, or find another abusive relationship to fulfil your self-destruct strategy.
- Intend the outcome you desire – focus on achieving the life you want and deserve to have and move towards that dream.
- Don’t look back until the mist has cleared. Give yourself proper breathing space; take time to heal and re-evaluate your position. Make changes from your own vantage point; this is your life, live it as you would want to look back on it.
Remember, if one can do it, we ALL can do it – face the fear and do it anyway! You have all your brothers and sisters behind and beside you.
One day you’ll thank yourself for re-claiming your personal power, and for gifting your mind (and your children) freedom.
Nb. I bear no enmity; I worked through my own issues and thank those who have promoted my growth, allowing me to move on.
I walk with grace and with dignity.
Thank You – Jamelia
Related post; Why Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Leave